Socal wasted no time hitting the road to get our baseball fix this year thanks to Dos Siete; the latest WCB member to begin his ‘Dead-man walking!’ march toward marriage. Ariel chose a road trip to Spring Training in Arizona for his last hurrah. None of us had been to Spring Training so we were stoked for the road trip, baseball and boobs.
The Spring Training part was fucking awesome! The Arizona part sucked. Picture 113,998 square miles of San Bernardino or Tracy, Ca. This is all you need to know about Arizona:
At 5 am on the first Friday of Spring Training Dos Siete, WCB’s Auctioneer, El Hombres, myself along with a couple of our buddies hit the road in the pouring rain so we could catch the Dodgers/White Sox at Camel Back Ranch at 1pm. Ariel was in Kalifa’s car and I rode in Justin’s car.
Around 7 am we had driven past the storm, stopped for Mc Donald’s breakfast, and Justin took a shit. We were two hours east of LA and about to head into the heart of the desert with full bellies and empty bladders. Things were looking good.
About 45 min later we’re in the middle of nowhere. We hadn’t seen signs of civilization since we left Mc Donald’s when Justin randomly complains about the inside of his knee hurting and tells us he needs to take a shit again. Shortly after, still no signs of civilization, we’re taking the first exit we’ve seen in miles. As we’re exiting Justin says, “I can’t hold it anymore. I have to go.” The exit road dead-ends about 30 yards into the desert. Justin puts his car in park, grabs a neon green microfiber cloth and marches into the Mojave to claim his bush.
After Justin dominated the desert we get back in the car. He lets out a huge sigh of relief and says, “It’s amazing how much better everything feels after you shit. The inside of my knee doesn’t hurt anymore.” So, with a rejuvenated Justo, we knocked out the last four hours of our drive and finally arrived at Camel Back Ranch!
Note the beautiful backdrop that is Glendale, Arizona. We all take swigs of Jamesons and head into the facility. Finally, baseball!!
When you walk into Camel Back Ranch you understand why they’re called Spring Training Facilities. It’s baseball heaven. The first thing we saw was a perfectly manicured infield. That’s all, just an infield. At the end of the infield grass was a garden of rocks and desert trees with the main stadium in the background. This was clearly fungo territory.
Walking along the dirt trail toward the main stadium we pass a huge set of batting cages and a few bullpens scattered in between three MLB sized baseball diamonds before we reach the ticket booths. We grab beers and head to the center field lawn. We made it!
We drank, we ate, watched Kenley Jansen pitch and Joc Pederson crush an opposite field home run. It was a glorious ending to a seven hour road trip with the entire weekend ahead of us.
After the game and a quick stop at the market for beer, whiskey and food, we arrived at the house. Bedrooms were claimed and we started drinking, taking shots, and playing foosball. At some point, amidst all the alcohol he had consumed, Ariel flops on his back and yells, “SOMEBODY TEA-BAG ME!”
So Kalifa breaks the awkward silence by throwing skittles at his head.
Saturday was supposed to be a day full of rain but it ended up being the best day of the trip. The plan was to head to the Brewers Spring Training facility to watch Haren vs Lohse. It wasn’t raining when we woke up so I filled the flask with whiskey and we headed to Waffle House for the best greasy breakfast I’ve had in a long time.
Our server was a sweet old lady named Frannie who had a charm and charisma that could only be eclipsed by the smell of vodka on her breath. She was so drunk she messed up our order and had the shakes so bad she nearly dropped our breakfast all over us. We walked away with an extra waffle for our troubles. Fair trade.
After breakfast the skies opened up. We questioned whether it was even worth it to head to Maryvale Baseball Park but since the game hadn’t been officially called off we made the drive across town. Camel Back Ranch makes the Brewers facilities look like a city park but we were just happy to have a chance to watch some baseball.
Justin wore the same shirt all weekend. He smelled fantastic.
The 100% chance of rain somehow translated into a beautiful day for baseball. Ariel’s brother scored some amazing seats first row in left field next to the Dodger bullpen. This was the view the view to our right.
This was the view to our left.
The fence between our seats and the bullpen was waist high. If you click the link between pics you can see the angle we had watching every pitcher warm-up. We got to chat up the Dodger bullpen coach the whole game and could hear every conversation he had with the pitchers breaking down the inning they had just tossed. Ariel’s brother did the famous dirt handstand over the railing and got a ground ball that went wide of third.
We drank beer and whiskey, heckled Ryan Braun to chants of M-V-P.E.D!, and saw Tommy Lasorda. The game that was supposed to be rained out turned out to be pretty rad. Defintely the coolest part of the trip. The strippers in Glendale, AZ left a lot to be desired but that would have been the best part of the bachelor party regardless of the talent level.
We returned to the house to recharge with various substances and kill time before our 8:30 reservations at J&G’s Steakhouse. Ariel and Kalifa split an epic Tomahawk Steak pictured below. Here’s some steakhouse food porn just in time for Vegas next weekend.
Steaks were served and devoured. The group picked the strip bar where Ariel would bury his face in soft parts. We bought the bachelor lapdances from the 4 hot strippers in the joint. Arizona loves Jesus too much to leave their strip joints open past 2:30 am so we headed back to the house and drank away the last night of the trip.
The house had a check out time of 10am. That was rough. Another trip to Waffle House for a greasy breakfast hangover cure was in order. One last trek to Camel Back to catch them play the Pads before hitting the road back home capped off Ariel’s Bachelor Party.
That concludes the first installment of WCB on the Road in 2014.